As many of my friends know approximately 12 weeks ago one of my co-workers, Julie, died in a horrific car accident. It was devastating, she was a wonderful person whom everyone in the office loved. She was one of our case management supervisors. There was another woman killed in the crash as well. The truly horrific part is that the driver's husband survived as well as my co-workers fiance, Michael. It broke our hearts that Julie died just three months away from their wedding.
Approximately 6 1/2 weeks ago we all were rocked to the core again. The co-worker's fiance died. Michael was also well know and well liked. He was a juvenile probation officer. Our two departments have a close working relationship due to our field of work. Apparently he had gotten a serious blood clot during the accident, it went untreated. It caused him to have a massive heart attack at the age of 32. It was another senseless lose and devastated many of us.
Yesterday another of my co-workers was almost taken away from us in front of our eyes. Brenda is one of the kindest woman I know. She makes handmade birthday cards for everyone of us in the office.. all 40+ plus of us. She collapsed suddenly at work for no apparent reason. She was unconscious, not breathing, and her eyes were fixed. The person in the cubicle beside her began yelling for help.. our office is unruly and loud. I sit almost across the entire office from Brenda's cubicle. At first many of us did not realize what was happening. Once we realized everyone started moving to that side of the building. Someone with a louder voice yelled for CPR. I have been trained off and on almost my entire adult life. Currently my training is lapsed. I have never had to do full CPR during the entire time I have been trained. Heimlich, first aid, seizure response.... yes to all of those. But I have never had to give someone rescue breaths until yesterday. I was not the only person trained in the office, I was simply the first person there. I was able to get Brenda breathing again, although it was not normal. Her pulse was also not normal. Since we do not know what had happened we placed her in the rescue/recovery position. We couldn't tell if she was aspirating, seizing or what. I stayed with her until the paramedics arrived. We continued to check her pulse and talk to her. Letting her know we were there and she was going to be okay. I had to watch paramedics shock her heart 3 times to get a steady pulse because it looked like her heart was quitting.
Afterwards I was told by co-workers that I had Brenda's blood on my face. She had struck her nose on a filing cabinet when she fell. I truly didn't care. All I could think about how useless I had been. I ignored that initial call for help. I didn't do my rescue breaths completely as trained. Why didn't I do chest compressions since her pulse was weak. When they asked for her medical information and emergency contacts... all I could think was... Brenda has all that information for everyone. It took all my will power yesterday not to break down and cry afterwards. Some I can blame on the adrenaline rush and some on my pregnancy hormones.. but the rest is from fear. I have seen too many people I care for look exactly like Brenda did yesterday. It shook me that about 2 years ago I could have taken yesterday more in stride. I was used to medical emergencies.... they happened weekly if not more at my old job. But now what would have given me nightmares some days is what I take in stride. Everyone at work thinks I saved her life.. I don't think so.. I may have helped some.. but the paramedics saved her life. I worry that I might have messed up and made their jobs harder. I was extremely impressed with how quickly they got there to help Brenda.. considering our office routinely mis-dials 911 when calling long distance. In fact that occurred yesterday morning as well. I have discovered that I don't want people to thank me at work and tell me I did a wonderful job. I still feel useless and like I did not do what I should have done. I am pondering how life can get so mixed up and turned around. I wonder why the wonderful people in our lives seem to be the ones who go first and they can never be replaced. All I can think about today is my grandparents and Wilbur. I think about them frequently anyway but these recent deaths and the almost death of Brenda, has them right there. All of these thoughts have me extremely overwhelmed, yet, I am trying to continue as normal. If anyone has words of wisdom.. send them my way. All I can do right now is pray for Brenda. She is doing better today, finally off of the vent and awake. Otherwise I have no answers as to what is going on anymore.... it makes me wonder what is going to happen in our lives next. I truly don't know if I can handle it regardless of what it is.
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2 comments:
I believe that you can handle anything because you are an amazingly strong woman. I can tell you that you didn't do chest compressions because she didn't need them. She did have a pulse. You did do rescue breaths, which got her breathing again. You did exactly what you were supposed to do and exactly what you were trained to do.
I know what it means to panic. That's why I stopped volunteering for the ambulance service. I couldn't handle the pressure when it came time to actually do something. Train me all day long and I'll probably screw it all up when it comes time to actually do it.
It seems there has been alot of tragedy around your office lately. Its perfectly normal to ponder, think, worry, and be sad. I have no words of wisdom other than to say that your feelings are normal.
I'm so sorry.
Put yourself in the shoes of the people in your office...had someone else rushed to Brenda's aid you would have called them a hero and said that they helped save her life...and that's exactly what you did. I'm sure Brenda will say the same. Don't beat yourself up or doubt yourself for helping to save another human's life...I think those feelings are reserved for others who were helpless in that situation, and didn't know what to do to help her.
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