I wish there was a product like that... make numerous of my issues go away. Mostly my funk is gone.... could be because AF is gone and I am again in hope/plan mode. I am to locate a OBGYN this week also and make an appointment. I am dreading that part.. because even though I want to know, I really don't want to know. Oddly enough my parents are approaching the issue differently now. My Mom told me she googled OBGYN and fertility specialists for my area. My Dad told me today that he knows of good OBGYN in my area that someone in our distant family saw. It was certainly an odd conversation with dad after that point. But I am glad they realized that this could be a bigger issue. I am terrified that I am not going to get pregnant until after the age of 35. I am scared about having a child with a disability.... I love individuals with developmental disabilities. But, can I do that for the long hull? I have seen what happens to families and marriages when a child is born with a disability. I will handle whatever God gives me.. but.. I am still scared. After the age of 35 your fertility drops and you have a higher chance of an at risk pregnancy. This is one of my biggest fears as I said... is it rational.?. no... but it is still a fear.
I have to get my moodiness in check also. I had a massive argument with my husband this weekend. The worst thing yet... it was in front of my nieces. Worst of all.. I walked away, got out of the car, slammed the door and started walking away. sigh.. it was over something stupid... but I just don't feel like who I am as a person is of any value. I feel like one be mood swing constantly also. We fight numerous times a week now; which has me terrified also. Ok.. I'll rephrase that. I fight numerous times a week... he avoids a fight. I think that what irritates me the most. Don't act like an ass and then wonder why I am angry and yelling at you. Sigh.. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't think our marriage is in trouble but I don't think it is stable either. I can only fight for something so long before I give up. I am afraid that one day I will give up... and it will be something big I give up one.... my marriage, myself, maybe both.
This sure doesn't sound like a happy post.. about me feeling better. But, honestly I do feel somewhat better. Maybe this fight made a difference and things will get better. Maybe this month I will get pregnant and can worry about that instead of other things. Maybe my insecurities about my job will go away as well... it's just a big crap shoot at this point.. but I am hopeful again at least.
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry...that's such a sad post, and I don't have anything that I can say that could make anything better. Just know that your friends love you, believe in you and are there for you.
As a side note, we need to get together for lunch or dinner sometime...let me know when is good for you.
I think that this particular problem is devastating on marriages. Me and JD have been fighting more and more lately also. Or, as you say, I fight and he avoids a fight...by watching TV or something equally frustrating in my book.
You might want to check out the fertility forum I have posted on my blog. If it wasn't for that site I probably would've gone nutso in a matter of minutes with all of this crap. It is such a relief to be able to hop on there and talk about my feelings and know that someone is probably feeling the same way.
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