I am extremely depressed today.... I am hoping it goes away. I am tired.. yesterday was an extremely hellish day.. on a personal level, work was fine. I did have to do some forensic sexual abuse interviews, not everyone's idea of fun, especially since I work with kids.. but for me. It was fine., especially since it was the first time I interviewed the children while being videotaped. fun.
I was so hopeful yesterday.. I thought just maybe, maybe after 6 months of trying I was pregnant. I was of course wrong. On a side note still no idea on the medical front on why no AF in September...sigh.. I do not know how others deal with this type of gut wrenching disappointment each month. Just typing this I am crying again... I thought all my tears were gone from yesterday. Guess not. I decided to start this blog here, just for this reason. I don't care if anyone reads it. I am not even going to tell others it's here. But, I have to get these feelings out of me or it's going to kill me. My family truly doesn't get my fears on this topic. Maybe I have too much knowledge and have informed myself too much on the topic... but I am scared. The advice I've gotten from my parents and husband aren't helpful... relax, stop trying to plan it, it will happen if it happens, we can adopt. I am not against adoption, instead I am all for it, especially with my job. But, it is something entirely different when you want a baby and can't have one. Everyone around me has them it seems..... co-workers, friends, clients (don't get me started on those!) Sigh.. I feel worthless.... some say I am too hard on myself. But it is how I feel. I can get through this.. others have gone through more and survived and so will I . But today, today I'm going cry a little bit more and then go to work and pray.. pray that professionally today I am not the CPS queen of removals.
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